Exam Fever

I am having it...THE EXAM FEVER
I am rambling in my sleep and walking around like a zombie at weird hours
Trying to make sense of the pages and notes of Media Law...
I sit, stare and scribble...
I read and mumble...
I ponder and speculate...
And then I nod off...
I shake myself, wash my face and get a cup of coffee to revive
Sit down and gulp it...
And go back to the notes...
But sleep comes back as soon as the cup is drained...
The eyelids get heavy...and drop...
To be opened yet again
I shake myself as if to ward off the evil
Make faces, smirk and sneer, cough and laugh (soundlessly) in the hopes of staying awake
But soon I am floating on a cloud...weightless, thoughtless...deliriously happy
Till K kicks me out of my beautiful reverie
And I am back at it...reading, nodding, dreaming...

Destiny

It had to be written, it is heavily weighing me down and it keeps with the mood I am in right now. I think of N's elder one, P and see a reflection of another time, another kid...another place...
It goes to show how a small incident, one moment that hits you like a storm and twists the simple life you have led, changes your destiny!
I have a small incident to recount, one that changed the course of life too…of a nine-year-old…

It was like any other Saturday. But there was a small difference. The young girl had practise sessions to attend, and her father was feeding her a favourite combination, puttu and motta. It was a weird combination (the puttu and egg combination) but one that both of them preferred, the father and the daughter.
It was a rare sight indeed, a father bonding so perfectly, but the father had dreams, big ones for his elder one, and both of them shared a perfect understanding. He explaining the fundamentals of maths and science, making studies a wholly entertaining subject for the daughter, who had already shown signs of his dreams materialising by her interest for the figures…
The father sets his child off to school and she walks to the bus-stand to go for her march past practise for a function at her school. Her heart seems heavy for no reason; it is as if she could foresee what was to happen.
She stands waiting for over 15 minutes for the bus and finally she spots the company jeep speeding her way and she waves…imagining the person behind the wheel to be either the father or their neighbour and friend Sharma Uncle, on their way to office. The jeep screeches to a stop and someone from inside gestures and asks her to get it. She does so happily, opens the door and is shocked by the scene inside.
The father is lying with his head on the moms lap and she is bending over him, crying uncontrollably. He seems to be having difficulty breathing, his eyes were dilated and he was looking at his child yet not seeing her. She shook him calling “Acha, (father)”, but he just kept looking…gazing deeply as if he could see right through her. She relentlessly tries to get her father to answer her…till they reach the hospital and then she is left alone while the attendees rush her father inside…
It seems like ages before she gets to see the mother who seems to be tired with all the crying….
The daughter asks Sharma Uncle for her Achan and he hugs her close…but doesn’t answer her question…
She finds her teachers too at the hospital and wonders whether they will be angry with her for absconding the practise sessions. She smiles apologetically and approaches them and they too hold her close…and she wonders, why this sudden affection?
She feels important with the attention bestowed on her but is puzzled too…and walks to her mother and asks her …where her father is?
The mother breaks down yet again and she is led away by friends. Now she is almost frightened to ask the same question again. She keeps quiet till the evening when they reach home(which is filled with strangers) and her mother takes her aside and explains to her that her father (at the age of 40), had a massive heart attack and has died, leaving them alone. So, her mother explains, that she is the one who has to take care of S( the 2-year-old younger sister) and be responsible, not cry, but be brave…
Life changed from then…from being a carefree child whose only dream was to make her father happy… to take on a more responsible role ( a role she didn’t quite play well)Well, that’s how destiny shapes your future…from a warm cocoon one moment to an insecure future, the other.

And reflected in this scene, I see P… and I hope she doesn’t forget to enjoy life with the weight of her responsiblities, like I did…

May God give you strength, my friend

She was the sweetest of all. Her smile lit her eyes; her laugh was loud and uninhibited. She always had friends around and I used to envy her for this trait of hers, how she mixed and mingled with all so effortlessly…
She never had a bad opinion about others, not even in jest did she laugh at others. We were part of a small gang, we three, but then N, had so many friends, outside this gang and she was never alone.
All this for two years and I left them to go on to another college but in those two years, we three had grown so close and I remember we cried when we parted ways…
Yes, we were in touch, but you know, how distance brings along changes. We used to call, but the gaps between the calls increased each year. The benefit of the net wasn’t there then and we grew further apart.
But the heart never forgets, nor did we…In our special ways, we remembered and carried beautiful memories of those carefree times, of laughing freely, of being irresponsible, of matters that were trivial…of college gossips….
Of course during our yearly visit to hometown there was a revisiting of all relationships. Last year, I spoke to her, N, and she seemed genuinely happy, after a long and tiring upheaval in life.
And now this…Her husband, I just came to know, is no more. Why, is it that she of all people has to go through this…? I think of her kids and go cold…so young and N too…
Why is God so unfair?
I think of another incident, but then that is for another time…

A cry for help

I have not blogged for some time as I have been bogged down with work! And now when the clouds have finally cleared, my companion for life is nowhere near. Now, I remember his refrains….Ones that used to irritate me when he voiced it but now, holds true. He used to say, “You don’t know how lucky you are…to have someone like me who dotes on you.”
Well, the doting used to get irritating at times, like when work got a bit overwhelming and classes got a bit tough, when kids were proving to be unbearable, when I wanted to talk to someone else other than him,…well, such instances were more and left me little time to devote time to this ‘man in my life’ which in effect left him fuming…
But now, when he has left for an official trip abroad, I find it difficult to handle the absence. The house is empty, the bed bare (not literally) and the silence (punctuated by the shrieks of the two imps) too long…
But the kids seem to be enjoying themselves…they were always naughty, now they have become more like terrorists, landing on me with a bump, hitting my nose in their fights and running havoc in the house. They think of me more in terms of their capture than their mother and even get me to dance for their fav numbers (I enjoy that bit, though…)
They have laid siege of our bed and sleep on either side with me as if blocking all ways of escape. At night, one throws an arm over while the other kicks me, the younger one pulls at my lips and the elder ones bones poke me in sensitive areas…
I will never complain of my husband or his wandering hands anymore, I vow!
Screaming obscenities, (the ones that they know) they make me run around for peace in my own house and when I scream at them, I can feel the loops stretching…the elastic limit has reached…the boiling point is nearing….I might burst any moment now…Help…

Half Century

And finally, the 50th blog. I never thought this would grow beyond the second or the third one, so this is an instant to be proud of. When colleagues hit the 50th and then soon the 100th blog, I used to wonder, God, these talented gals, how do they do it?
This also seems to be the perfect time to show off my next award, one which was waiting for me behind the curtains, from Deeps and Just call me A…

This award was crafted with love, sprinkled with loads of peace and added with lots of prayers.


So I take a bow! (Is that the echo of claps that I hear! )

Hail Blogging!

Blogging in Wikipedia is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.

Blog to me:
A diary of sorts, where I can pour out my happiness, my frustrations, my thoughts, where I contemplate on my shortcoming, lay my dreams bare, recount my memories, share it with a select sensitive few.
But lately, I am bugged by this new fixation…on checking for comments, so much so that it has become an addiction of sorts…
That’s makes me think…Am I so desperate for appreciation?…and why?

Blog to my husband:
The wife’s ‘time pass’ fixation, which he scoffs on, yet is proud about. He calls it an entire waste of time but reads it word to word, even asks why he is not mentioned in it, in places he thinks he should be!

Blog to my kids:
One is too young to worry while the other worries constantly if her mom is writing about all the times she has been ‘bad’ while she helps me in her own silent way...

Blog to my colleagues:
We lightheartedly comment, ‘Beware of what and how you react, you never know, you could be blogged about too.”

Blog to near and dear ones:
Another form of being in touch – of being reminded of those memories, long forgotten. Brushing aside the dust and revisiting the good old days…

Blog to those who peep and go away:
Whew, another self righteous female, pompous and so full of herself! There is nothing new here…lets move on! Just another of those who like to lay bare personal musings!

Blog to other blogger friends:
Another of our peers, and hey lets recognise this endeavour, for we know it is not a simple effort, to make time and to keep at it, make it interesting to all who read by adding certain elements and to keep blogging on matters that touch each one of us in our daily lives…

And where do you fit in?

Hopes...

2008 came with a bang. We had a huge party, we danced into 2008. We laughed (high on what we had drunk) and welcomed the New Year. Going back home from the party, we fought (K and I) and from then it was mostly downhill…
I went through tough times at work. Alternating from depression…and a feeling of worthlessness…and for some time, I wallowed in self-pity.
But mid-way through (thanks to Ks persistence) I emerged from those trying times…And as a result of all this, I took up a course, to fight my worthlessness, so to say, and that has been the best decision that I took in 2008.
That and this blog…which A literally forced me to do…(I had started a blog earlier but wasn’t sincere in my efforts of maintaining it) …were my real achievements of this year. But this time I had A behind, prodding till I wrote…regularly. We patted each others back and that gave me the initial push and then viola, I was writing and enjoying myself too. (I strongly believe that appreciation is the best possible way to keep one going and hence the daily checking for comments…on the blog)

2009, though, started on a low-key. No music, no dancing, no drinks, a quiet dinner with friends and home early as all of us had to be in office the next day.
But I hope the year will be good to me, help me do whatever I am doing in the best possible way, be more strict on my kids and make them a little more tame (they are getting wild, by the day, the younger one mostly and I melt when she just looks at me accusingly…when she hears my ‘angry’ tone) be more assertive and critical, for more peace at home and for that I also need to appreciate my husband more, for who else keeps sending you SMSes after 14 years of togetherness…
And I hope this year, I will loose all the flab around my tummy, which I know, is an impossible task, but yet I dream…
P.S: My nephew took this picture and isn't it is a beautiful one...though a bit desolate...but isn't life like that, lonely at times.